1. I am the LORD thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
Except for Donald “Jesus” Trump. He comes before God. God is nothing to him. After all, How many golf courses and fake-gilded hotels does the Almighty LORD own? Moreover, all good and pious MAGAs are commanded to install the Mighty One’s name upon their lawns and their habitations!
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image, nor any manner of likeness, of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth…
Images of our idol Trump aren’t idolatry!
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
Right, and the name of our Lord is DONALD JESUS CHRIST TRUMP!
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work; but the seventh day is a sabbath unto the LORD thy God, in it thou shalt not do any manner of work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy man-servant, nor thy maid-servant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates…
Art thou kidding? Those lazy Black people and illegal aliens BETTER work for us Trump Christians seven days a week, until we find it necessary to deport and/or shoot them!
5. Honor thy father and thy mother.
Unless they’re Commies who voted for Commie Joe Biden. Then cut that trash out of your life!
6. Thou shalt not murder.
Except Black Lives Matter demonstrators or Black people who don’t belong in your nice White Trump-loving neighborhood, and are obviously up to no good. That’s not murder. Neither is any slaying committed with a Holy AR-15 Rifle, even if the victims are small children. Even White ones.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
This does not apply to Don the Manly Man. He has droit du seigneur over all living females. If he finds them attractive, that is. Well, even if he doesn’t, but then he’ll deny it.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
Except for Donald the Brilliant Businessman. If he grifts, that makes him smart.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Except when protecting Holy Donald. Then it’s not a lie and it’s not perjury, it’s your patriotic duty. Besides, if you’re caught, he might pardon you.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house; thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his man-servant, nor his maid-servant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.
Again with the women? Look, everyone knows we believe sex should only be between a man and his sweet, subservient wife, and everything else is immoral. Especially presidents, who should be impeached, convicted, and drawn and quartered for extramarital affairs, if they are Democrats. But the rules don’t apply when Don “The World’s Biggest John” Trump does it.
And, coveting your neighbor’s house? Praiseworthy, when Our Lord and Master Trump does it. Woe unto you if your miserable little cottage stands where he wants to build a parking lot for his casino. All of our worldly goods, and all of yours, belong to him in the end.
Emanuel Goldstein 