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The Fox News Foxes and the Grapes: An American Fable

Way back before the last election cycle, Soros, god of the Liberal Snowflakes, sent a plague upon the Kingdom of ‘Merica out of spite against its Very Stable Genius King. Luckily, King VSG was as renowned for his piety as for his brilliance. Thanks to his prayers and the discreet sacrifice of his no-good son-in-law Prince Jared, Asclepius, the god of healing, sent some magic grapes that would cure the plague.

King VSG immediately called an assembly to spread the good news, but Soros sent a magic rat that got inside the king’s toga and startled him into saying that the peasants should drink bleach instead of magic grape juice. Once the king hath spoken, none dare contradict him and risk the wrath of the all-powerful MAGA Magi, so soon the peasants were dying of bleach poisoning as well as plague. The king called an assembly of foxes, well known as the wisest of creatures, and asked them for advice.

“You can count on us to spread the truth, Your Majesty,” said Tucker Fox, most loyal of the foxes.

“Excellent! You must tell all my loyal subjects to drink Asclepius’s magic grape juice, a full course,” said King VSG. But Soros had subtly altered the acoustics of the throne room, and the foxes all heard His Majesty saying that the peasants must take magic pills meant for a horse. They faithfully spread this message, and soon peasants and MAGA Magi, real ‘Mericans all, were choking on horse pills while others were still dying of bleach poisoning and plague.

“This is terrible!” cried King VSG. “A plot against my rule is afoot!” He summoned the foxes again and ordered them, on pain of banishment among the Enemies of the People, to tell everyone they must eat the magic grapes at once, for they alone had healing power.

“Got it, Your Highness,” said Sean Fox, whose bark was the loudest of all the foxes. “We’ll warn everyone that the grapes are sour!” And the faithful foxes all scattered across the land with this message before the king could stop them. It wasn’t long before Great Pretender Joseph of the House of Biden stole the throne, and when VSG went directly to the peasants and begged them to eat the magic grapes, they laughed and jeered and pelted him with rotten eggs.

Moral: Nothing is ever King VSG’s fault.

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