The Supreme Court Crowns Trump King

I don’t know if it’s really possible to write satire after last week’s Supreme Court hearing, in which Trump’s lawyer argued that a president can order a political opponent assassinated or the government overthrown in a coup, and he cannot be held criminally liable, and instead of summoning the bailiff, the fascist supermajority of “justices” stroked their chins and said this is a highly complex issue that requires considerable deliberation. The immediate implication, as everyone knows, is that Trump will not stand trial for the January 6 putsch before the election, which gives him a tremendous campaign boost. As to the longer term implications…

We can reveal here for the first time that the reason the Court didn’t issue a written opinion last week is that it takes time to produce a document that will overturn the Constitution and make Donald I an absolute monarch on day one. There are many weighty matters that must receive the proper justifications, such as:

Droit Du Seigneur

There is actually no evidence that feudal lords in old Europe had the right to rape their female vassals on their wedding night, but the myth has hung around for centuries, so the supermajority will affirm that it “is consistent with this Nation’s historical tradition.” Indeed, such unimpeachable founders as Thomas Jefferson did enjoy an expansive version of droit du seigneur with their Black slaves. Expanding this traditional prerogative to cover the entire newly enserfed American population will relieve the new King of the need to pay monetary damages to E. Jean Carroll, the woman whom he “sexually assaulted,” as well as giving him the absolute right to rape any of his subjects for the rest of his reign.

If American women don’t like this, well, they were “not without electoral or political power” under the previous democratic regime, and they could have stopped it if they’d turned out to vote against King Donald. Since they didn’t, they should just lie on their backs and think of MAGA.

Rule by Ukase

Since the Trump Kingdom of America is to be a satrapy of Russia, the Robert Court finds it fitting to redefine the presidential “executive order” as a ukase, the edicts with the force of law that the czars used to issue. William F. Buckley, Jr. once proposed in jest that the First Amendment should be repealed, except for the first five words (“Congress shall make no law…”), and in a pinch, this can serve as precedent enough, coming as it did from the mouth of a faux nobleman. The “Unitary Executive” shall reign forever and ever, just as Jesus intended (“Render unto Trump the things that are Trump’s, which includeth everything,” as the Good Book says), amen!

U.S. Treasury is the King’s Personal Property

The legal principle here is self explanatory, but the implications are so fiendishly difficult, the Roberts Court can happily occupy itself with them for the rest of the justices’ natural lives, when they are not serving as King Donald’s footmen. For example, if the dog-executioner’s suggestion is put into practice and the King’s head is to be chiseled into Mount Rushmore, but one of the previous busts has to be dynamited to make way for it, which one shall it be? Survey says Lincoln, who is frankly just an embarrassment to the modern MAGA Party, but there is much case law to be consulted and many fact-finding yacht trips for Justice Clarence Thomas to go on before a decision can be rendered.

Libel Law? No, Lèse-Majesté

Following the lead of Justice Thomas, the photo-negative Carl Schmitt, the Court will overhaul the libel laws by reading into the smoldering ashes of the Constitution the principle of lèse-majesté as it is practiced today in Thailand: insult the King, buddy, and you’re looking at hard time, or perhaps a freelance punishment carried out by “Second Amendment people” in response to a royal “Truth.” The Court will justify this under the principle of stare decisis, the decisis in question having occurred in prerevolutionary France three hundred years ago. This blog post will definitely qualify, so your correspondent is currently looking into housing options in Belize or the Marquesas Islands.

Reality or Satire?

Crossing back over the extremely blurry line between satire and “reality,” we must observe once again, gentle reader, that if a free people chooses to surrender its liberty to a hollering demagogue, there is no power on Earth that can stop them.